The Problem, of Course, is People

[woodwardiocom]

-I've been musing about interpersonal conflicts. (I'll pick random names alphabetically here.)

-Say Anders has a problem with Brede. Might be a big problem, might be a little problem. The two of them (and anyone else involved, like Clady) haven't completely discussed it yet; no true resolution has been reached. Possible next steps for Anders include:

1. Anders and Brede talk about it some more.


2. Anders makes an LJ post about his negative feelings for the problem.


3. Anders makes an LJ post about his negative feelings for problems like this one. (I.e., it's not supposed to be specifically about the current situation.)


4. Anders makes an LJ post about his negative feelings for Brede.


5. Anders makes an LJ post about his negative feelings for people like Brede. (Again, treating it as abstract.)

-I think as adults we agree that 1 is good. And, I think we agree that 4 is very likely to cause hurt feelings and not resolve anything. So, now all we need to do is contemplate the other three options.

-So, picking from 2, 3, and 5, which is most likely to improve the situation for everyone?

-Edit: Note that Brede might well be on Anders' friends list.

(Oh, and the names are Danish, in case you were wondering.)

Comments

[dbang.livejournal.com]

#2, in a friends-locked post, so Anders can work out his feelings and get advice and support from people he trusts, especially people who know the players and situation involved. As long as it stays away from personal attacks, hopefully people who are friendly with both Anders and Brede can discuss the *situation* without taking sides.

#5 should be avoided -- if everyone knows the situation, everyone will know the post is about Brede, and feel forced to take sides, just as they would with #4.

#3 is okay after the situation is done and resolved. A sort of philosophical treatise on "how I feel about lying" might help Anders reach emotional closure; but it will not help the situations itself, and it seems like beating around the bush if all the readers, and the speaker, know what the *real* issue is.

Thus is my opinion, and I'm sticking to it until I change my mind.

[archangelbeth]

5's gonna draw flak. Optimality would suggest 2 or 3. And then friends-lock it. Or private-lock it. (Of course, we're talking humans here, and humans do silly things, oh well.)

[darlene-ford.livejournal.com]

I think we agree that it is ideal if Anders and Brede talk. If Anders is not comfortable or able to approach Brede directly, an e-mail would be better than a single-user-readable LJ post because Brede knows that he isn't being held up to public ridicule. If Anders wants advice about how to approach Brede or how to deal with his own feelings without Brede's cooperation, a friends-locked post may be appropriate.

Always talk about the problem, not the person. You may be able to persuade Brede to abandon an annoying behavior, but he can't stop being Brede, and is unlikely to try to cooperate after a personal attack.

[maedbh7.livejournal.com]

I'm here if you need an ear to bend. -H...

[woodwardiocom.livejournal.com]

-Thank you, dear, but I'm actually not in the middle of any social problems right now. This is just me being philosophical, inspired by some things happening between a few of my friends.

[feoh.livejournal.com]

#1 is the only real solution here. 2,3,4 and 5 all equate to people putting LJ colored blinders on and hoping that by venting their spleens the problem will somehow magically go away.

Of them all, #2 is the least objectionable and least likely to cause further problems.

In my own experience, whenever I"ve posted anything about a conflict I've been having with someone, it's NEVER helped. Like, not even a tiny smidge. It may help you feel better for a few clock ticks after you hit Submit, but then it will likely cause you nothing but heart ache after that.

Interpersonal conflict among groups of friends is tough, LJ just tends to make it tougher.

[mattlistener.livejournal.com]

Sometimes a person needs to talk out their difficulties before they're able to approach the other party constructively. I support that.

In my opinion it's usually a mistake to use LJ for this purpose. If anything in what one needs to write would be news or upsetting to the other party, then it's unwise to post it where either they or general-friends-in-common will read it.

I'd support #2 and #3 *after* resolving things with the other party -- and even so chances are good that doing so will reveal that things are not as entirely resolved as one thought. I would recommend as good spiritual exercise giving up #4 and #5 entirely. (Outside of Private or "only my partner can read this".)

1 + 2

[ladypantherrr.livejournal.com]

I would vote for the above combo... first talk, and make Brede aware that they will make a post looking for LJ friend support, so that Brede can choose to read the written word if he/she chooses to. If Brede is uncomfy with 2 directly, than 2+friends group not including Brede, as an alternate, making Brede aware that this is going on so he/she doesn't find out about Anders post 2ndhand, would be better than any of the other options. *hugs* to whomever it is if I know them.

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

There's also possibility #6: Anders might not have a problem with Brede or Clady, but might be musing about a situation which has bothered Anders for some time and just happened to decide to post about it, and Brede and Clady decide that it's actually about them and jump to conclusions from that point on, thereby creating a problem that didn't actually exist before then.

Not that THAT ever happens.

[woodwardiocom.livejournal.com]

-Believe me, Fab Red, I have nothing but sympathy for your situation. I guess part of the problem is, #3 and #6 are hard to distinguish for outside observers.